If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate

Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.

You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.

Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)

Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.