Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.

If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?

If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.

Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.

Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.