Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.

I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.

Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005