There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.

Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.

Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.

You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism.

You gotta learn to love when you're failing.... The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer.

I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist.

Usually when Donald Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam.