There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.

Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think.

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.

Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.