I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.

To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.

No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.

Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.