I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.

One day,I might be able to tell my grandkids I interviewed the last president of the United States.

I gut check my show. I say, I say, "Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?" And Gut says, "Yes it does, Stephen. Let's get a grilled cheese sandwich."

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear

Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.

Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.

I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.