Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.

I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.