Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.

Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think.

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.

Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.

Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship.

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?