Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.

If someone spreads hate then they're not your religious leader.

Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.

There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.