Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.

I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be.