It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

I'm not a human being. I'm despicable and disgusting - but that's where the money is.

I've run into people in my life who were so dramatic; people who are so extreme and so frustrating to be around that you end up thinking about them and talking about them for literally years after your experience with them is over.

If I screw up raising my kids, nothing I achieve will matter much.

I actually credit Twitter with fine-tuning some joke-writing skills. I still feel like I'm working at it.

The overhead lights reflect in the glass countertop and mingle in the gray and black of the gloves, resulting in a mother-of-pearl swirl that sometimes sends Mirabelle into a shallow hypnotic dream.

There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they'll talk back to you.