You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

I ignored my stand-up career for twenty-five years, but now, having finished this memoir, I view this time with surprising warmth. One can have, it turns out, an affection for the war years.

It's not the size of the nose that matters, it's what's inside that counts.

Being on Twitter is like having a fern.

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

College totally changed my life. It changed what I believe and what I think about everything. I majored in philosophy.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.