I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

I'm not a human being. I'm despicable and disgusting - but that's where the money is.

Kids like my act because I'm wearing nose glasses. Adults like my act because there's a guy who thinks putting on nose glasses is funny.

I just respected comedians whether they were or they weren't, from, you know, new or old.

I would assign every lie a color: yellow when they were innocent, pale blue when they sailed over you like the sky, red because I knew they drew blood. And then there was the black lie. That's the worst of all. A black lie was when I told you the truth.

Or is it that I think too much?

I understood that as much as I had resisted the outside, as much as I had constricted my life, as much as I had closed and narrowed the channels into me, there were still many takers for the quiet heart.