I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country, provided they can speak our native language... Apache.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

I think there are people out there writing original bluegrass songs, but it's hard to get them out on the air.

Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.