First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

Somewhere in the world is...The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.

I never touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management.

It's not tipping I believe in. It's overtipping.

I realized that comedians of the day were operating on jokes and punch lines. The moment you say the punch line, the audience either laughs sincerely or they laugh automatically or they don't laugh. The thing that bothered me was that automatic laugh. I said, that's not real laughter.

There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.