My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

Allyson Smith reminds me of a younger, prettier, funnier me. Now if you'll excuse me, the ladies from my bridge club have arrived.

Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me

Even though I'm proud by dad invented the rear-view mirror, we're not as close as we appear.

So what if I cant spell Armageddon, its not the end of the world.

You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.