My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles... which sounds so much better than "alcoholic."

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice.

I don't think lesbians should be allowed to use dildos, afterall they've made their choice

Even though I'm proud by dad invented the rear-view mirror, we're not as close as we appear.

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West