Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which case I definitely said it.

Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.

I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.

I have been tight as a tick! Fried as a mink! Stiff as a goat!

If I were well behaved, I'd die of boredom.

I've been called many things, but never an intellectual.

I think the Republican party should be placed in drydock and have the barnacles scraped off its bottom.