Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which case I definitely said it.

If you know your Bible and your Shakespeare and can shoot craps, you have a liberal education.

Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which case I definitely said it.

I have three phobias which, could I mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as ditch water: I hate to go to bed, I hate to get up, and I hate to be alone.

I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me.

I have been absolutely hag-ridden with ambition. If I could wish to have anything in the world it would be to be free of ambition.

Going down on a woman gives me a stiff neck, going down on a man gives me lockjaw and conventional sex gives me claustrophobia.