Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which case I definitely said it.

I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me.

I think the Republican party should be placed in drydock and have the barnacles scraped off its bottom.

I have been tight as a tick! Fried as a mink! Stiff as a goat!

I have been absolutely hag-ridden with ambition. If I could wish to have anything in the world it would be to be free of ambition.

I did what I could to inflate the rumor I was on my way to stardom. What I was on my way to, by any mathematical standards known to man, was oblivion, by way of obscurity.

I'm the foe of moderation, the champion of excess.