I'm not at my best when I moralize or philosophize. Logic is elusive, especially to one who so rarely uses it.

I have three phobias which, could I mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as ditch water: I hate to go to bed, I hate to get up, and I hate to be alone.

I did what I could to inflate the rumor I was on my way to stardom. What I was on my way to, by any mathematical standards known to man, was oblivion, by way of obscurity.

I'm not at my best when I moralize or philosophize. Logic is elusive, especially to one who so rarely uses it.

Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which case I definitely said it.

Too many of our countrymen rejoice in stupidity, look upon ignorance as a badge of honor. They condemn everything they don't understand.

My father warned me about men and booze but he never said anything about women and cocaine.