I don't write lyrics, the lyrics write Thom Yorke

If you Americans aren't from the stone age then explain to me how your president is a ****ing pterodactyl

And the moral of the story is I'm Thom Yorke.

There was a clown that tried to eat me as a boy, in my nightmares. Years later I found a clown for booking online who resembled him named Patches. Needless to say, Patches is dead now.

If I could be any famous person, I'd be John Wilkes Booth, because I'd love to shoot Abraham Lincoln in the face

Sometimes we and the members of Coldplay have an orgy together, (Martin) insists we don't invite any women, but I always invite a few. Usually I sing Fake Plastic Trees while he reams me from behind *Laughs* It wears me out *laughs*.

My uncle used to sit me on his lap and play "ventriloquist", only I wasn't wearing pants.