My mother tried to abort me herself with a coathanger, hence my wobbly eye.
I agree with whoever said Spice Girls are soft port. They're the antichrist.
My only means of self defense is to wiggle my eye and feign being a salamander. It has saved my life but once I was partially eaten by a bald eagle who thought I was a salamander. Hence, my skills. Hence.
When people ask me for an autograph I usually ask for a pen and then stab them with it.
Immerse your soul in love.
I sometimes have birthday parties for the kids in my neighborhood and then pretend to suggest that I am going to molest them to the parents. It's a hilarious prank even though I am not a paedophile.