The trouble with women in an orchestra is that if they're attractive it will upset my players and if they're not it will upset me.

As you'll never hear the thing again, my boy, why not throw in a couple of brass bands?

We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but perhaps you could be good enough to keep in touch now and again.

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.

Elgar's first symphony is the musical equivalent of St Pancras Railway Station.

The sound of the harpsichord resembles that of a bird-cage played with toasting-forks.

Composers and musicians have always starved and, as this is a sentimental country, we think the tradition should be continued.