As you'll never hear the thing again, my boy, why not throw in a couple of brass bands?

Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it.

Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.

If an opera cannot be played by an organ grinder, it's not going to achieve immortality.

The bagpipes sound exactly the same when you have finished as when you started

A soprano in Massenet's Don Quixote complained that she had missed her entry in the aria, "because Mr. Challiapin always dies too soon." "Madam, you must be profoundly in error," said Sir Thomas, "No operatic star has yet died half soon enough for me."

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.