When I couldn't get ahold of cigarettes, I'd roll coffee grounds into typing paper and smoke that and then vomit.

I really wanted to, but I just didn't understand how people became comedians. I kind of thought it was something you were born into. And so I wanted to be a veterinarian or an architect. I wanted to be in a band, and for some reason I could understand how you could be in a band because I had guitars and all my friends played music. Comedy was a secret want, but it wasn't anything I pursued.

When anything huge happens to me, I always think, this isn't my moment, this is a moment.

I was talking and playing pranks and skipping school, failing pretty much every class I took.

Everybody, male or female, needs to possess qualities that they expect others to uphold. Being aware of yourself and your actions allows you to assess your shortcomings in an honest way.

I always wonder, aside from even my name, what if my parents never split up? What if my mother never died? It swirls in my head all the time.

In movies, you just see somebody close their eyes, and you go on to the next scene.