If only my folks had beaten me, I could have gotten some material about my miserable childhood. But as it is, I've had a great life.

I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair, but he says he's charging me for finding it.

If only my folks had beaten me, I could have gotten some material about my miserable childhood. But as it is, I've had a great life.

When I watch TV, I'm embarrassed by some of what's on.

I spend a lot of time thinking of the Hereafter - each time I enter a room I wonder what I'm here after.

Fortunately my wife is understanding. When I come home from the races she never asks any questions, if I tell her I just ate a $380 hot dog.

I've known Harvey for over 40 years and I worked with him on the Burnett show for 11 years. I guess you could say we're about as close as you can get to being a comedy team.