I don't enjoy any kind of danger or volatility. I don't have that kind of 'I love the bad guys' thing. No, no thank you. I like nice people.

In an attempt to make things easier for myself, which is the basis for all of history's worst decisions [...].

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

At some point, you realize that people might be laughing at your jokes because they're afraid not to laugh.

It's easy to fall into the trap of just cranking out things that are good enough to sell.

Wafah Dufour bin Laden, niece of Osama bin Laden has signed a contract to star in a reality show... called Skating with the Nieces of Terrorists.

...I can't possibly take time off for a second baby, unless I do, in which case that is nobody's business and I'll never regret it for a moment unless it ruins my life.