You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go.

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant Irish people.

I have two daughters, and we live here in Manhattan, and having gone through the Manhattan kindergarten application process, nothing will ever rival the stress of that.

Why are my arms so weak? It's like I did that push-up last year for nothing!

I think people fetishize glasses in general. You could put glasses on a rotting pumpkin and people would think it was sexy.

It's like being a little kid again, parading around in a nightgown tucked into your underpants, believing it looks terrific.

You mostly know that you want to be funny, know that you have the desire. It's not like people who grow up beautiful and can look in the mirror and be like, I'm beautiful! Funny is more of a journey. And a desperate attempt.