This made no sense to me, probably because I speak English and have never had a head injury.

I don't enjoy any kind of danger or volatility. I don't have that kind of 'I love the bad guys' thing. No, no thank you. I like nice people.

A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.

It has been said that to write is to live forever. The man who said that is dead.

Instead of trying to fit an impossible ideal, I took a personal inventory of all my healthy body parts for which I am grateful: Straight Greek eyebrows. They start at the hairline at my temple and, left unchecked, will grow straight across my face and onto yours.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

There should be a new, more honest euphemism. Like, I'm leaving office because I plan to solicit more anonymous sex in bathrooms.