Sometimes I'll be telling my husband, 'I think I'm cracking up'. Sometimes you just need a minute to say, 'I think I'm cracking' and just acknowledge it.

Quentin Tarantino is here, star of all my sexual nightmares.

Why are my arms so weak? It's like I did that push-up last year for nothing!

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

...the music seems creepy, like when children sing in a horror movie

You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go.

I have a suspicion that the definition of "crazy" in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to f*** [sleep with her] anymore.