Sometimes I'll be telling my husband, 'I think I'm cracking up'. Sometimes you just need a minute to say, 'I think I'm cracking' and just acknowledge it.

Only in comedy, by the way, does an obedient white girl from the suburbs count as diversity.

Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy.

Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.

Finally the world would see my full range of comedy characters - from grouchy librarian to Russian librarian.

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.

...nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.