If you want to be a screenwriter, take an acting class to get a sense of what you're asking actors to do. Learning other skills will help you communicate with people and respect what they do.

I have no affinity for animals. I don’t hate animals and I would never hurt an animal; I just don’t actively care about them. When a coworker shows me cute pictures of her dog, I struggle to respond correctly, like an autistic person who has been taught to recognize human emotions from flash cards. In short, I am the worst.

To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.

I think the philosophy will continue to be what it always was; which was, let's keep throwing a bunch of things at the wall, and see what sticks.

It's hard to get laughs when you're new.

Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.