You must not look in that mirror at your doughy legs and flat feet, for today is about dreams and illusions, and unfiltered natural daylight is the enemy of dreams.

Don't waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions... Do your thing and don't care if they like it.

I love to play strippers and to imitate them. I love using that idea for comedy, but the idea of actually going there? I feel like we all need to be better than that. That industry needs to die, by all of us being a little bit better than that.

One afternoon a girl walked by in a bikini and my cousin Janet scoffed, “Look at the hips on her.” I panicked. What about the hips? Were they too big? Too small? What were my hips? I didn’t know hips could be a problem. I thought there was just fat or skinny. This was how I found out that there are an infinite number of things that can be “incorrect” on a woman’s body.

The same ten minutes that magazines urge me to use for sit-ups and triceps dips, I used for sobbing.

Every kid has something they're good at, that you hope they find and gravitate toward.

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.