On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.'

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

They love us everywhere we go. So when in doubt, send the Marines.

Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize.

Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them.