I would never kill somebody, unless they pissed me off.

It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't stay here, or else it'll choke on the sweet air of freedom.

There is nothing we can't do. So it's just the fact that we're doing topics like that that other people, especially network TV, won't touch, that we're satirists.

We're the guys who, if someone says you really shouldn't do an episode making fun of Scientologists, we say, 'Whatever.' Someone says, 'They might come try to burn your house down,' we say, 'We'll just get another one.'

You don't need missionaries in Colorado; you got Colorado.

When you're superhot, you don't have the time to enjoy being superhot, because you're working your ass off. By the time we will actually have time to really go out and screw around, we won't be hot anymore.

I just realized that there are going to be a lot of painful times in life, so I better learn to deal with them in the right way.