The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me.

I’ve heard 14 year old meth addicted thai prostitutes say more prescient things than the woman that was supposedly a “professor

I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It's perfect.

Most of my success, I feel, comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer.

If you just don't have any idea what you want to do, the worst thing you can do is go to law school. If you can go to college, maybe it's fine to have four years of fun and learn a little bit, that's okay, but if you have to go two hundred thousand dollars in debt, that's not something I would recommend.

The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for.

To my friends and people I care about, I'm a really nice guy. No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.