I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.