I can do anything I want to do!

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.