I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.