It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.