It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.

Ain't fit for man nor beast

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.