Never work with animals or children.
When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.