Ain't fit for man nor beast

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.