I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.