Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.