Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

I like children - fried.