Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.