California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!