In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.