In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.