It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.