Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.