I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.