Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

Happiness means quiet nerves.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

I never met a kid I liked.