Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.