Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.