Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.