Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.