Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.