Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.