Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

I never eat before breakfast.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.