Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

Ain't fit for man nor beast