The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.