The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.