Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

I would rather be living in Philadelphia.